Ten Untold Secrets of My Childhood

1 - I wanted to marry Billy Campbell aka "Cliff" from The Rocketeer. 1991 was an impressionable year in my life. Pizza Hut was running these kid's cups with the Rocketeer helmet as the lid. And can we discuss that hair?! And that strong jaw?! Even as a kid, I could definitely pick them. Interesting side note: Jennifer Connelly's boobs in that film also started me on the path to realizing that I was gay. There is an awkward scene were a creepy old dude is looking at them, and I remember thinking that I was supposed to be turned on by seeing them, but I wasn't. So thank you, Jennifer Connelly's boobs, for teaching me that I was gay.

2 - There was an incident in 1989, maybe 1990, where we, as children, didn't do the dishes. Some bowls got Fruity Pebbles stuck on them. It was a big ordeal. To this day I can't leave dishes unwashed in the sink. Childhood trauma. You think I am kidding but everytime I leave a dirty dish in the sink, I think of that, and immediately go back to wash it. And I also can't eat Fruity Pebbles.

3 - It is a well known fact that I cry whenever Little Foot and Land Before Time is mentioned. I can barely get through watching the movie. Childhood abandonment issues. Untold story: There was a Pizza Hut commercial in the previews and as a result, Pizza Hut makes me get emotional. It was this commercial where this kid was going to Pizza Hut for a birthday party. Anyways, Pizza Hut messes with my head. We went there this past Christmas break, and buddy, I was emotionally exhausted by the end of it.

4 - On fast Sundays as a kid, I would sneak pretzels into church inside my scripture case. (There were certain Sundays, where as Mormons, you wouldn't eat anything.) There was one time when I was eleven or so where Bishop Oliverson definitely saw me sneak one. And he never told. Bless his soul.

5 - One time I told my dad that I had read the entire Bible. He asked me to tell him about it. I then reconstructed a play-by-play of Charleston Heston's Ten Commandments. He wasn't fooled. Anytime the Bible comes up in conversation between us two I think of that incident.

6 - My Grandpa Stewart was diabetic. One of my fondest memories is of catching him eating marshmallows in his room. He looked up at me and said "Don't you go telling your Grandma on me." I never did. He totally got away with it.

7 - When I was fifteen years old or so, I would drive the car, alone, around the neighborhood. I felt so adult. One time I even drove it down to the Safeway. But only Dad's Mazda. Not Mom's van, I knew better.

8 - I still remember as a kid when I drew on the walls. First, I drew a Mickey Mouse face. He was easy to draw due to his circular ears. Then, I drew a birthday cake. Complete with candles. Oh, I got in so much trouble. But I was so proud of those drawings. Mickey looked legit.

9 - We used to have this Bluejay pop-up camper when I was like ten or eleven. The thing would tip if we put too much weight on one end, so therefore, my brothers and I delighted in scaring everyone by piling into one corner. The thing tipped, everyone would scream, and we would giggle. I remember a distinct time doing it while camping in Arizona. Everyone was so mad, and we loved it.

10 - Despite some distinctly unfortunate moments, my childhood had a lot of depth and joy to it. I sometimes feel like I am only recovering from it. But in reality, it is just another part of me, that you have to understand if you are gonna understand the rest of me.