Gay Grant Isn't Gay Enough

I have been meaning to post about this issue for some time, and recently I have been doing a lot of intropsection on the subject. Partly due to being in Wisconsin, which although isn't homophobic, is a tad naive about the diversity of gay world. And partly due to watching the documentary The Butch Factor recently. Finally, I guess I have been pondering the issue since coming out and realizing that I haven't been able to find a real niche in gay world.

So here's my question: Why do I feel drawn to behave and appear in a way that fits gay stereotypes, when in my own mind, I don't want to and I don't find them attractive?

A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine who is also gay asked if I had watched The A List on the LOGO network. (The gay network.) I hadn't, but since then I've seen an episode and a half, and I am kind of sad that is how gay men are portrayed. As a side note, none of those guys were A Listers...they had previously dated A List gay men. They were just a bunch of bitchy queens that fretted over their figures and the labels on their clothes. Utterly unattractive.

In general, when I came out I felt like I should start acting, dressing, and talking gayer. And I don't think I have. I will blare my Lady Gaga music, I will occasionally venture out in a purple shirt, and I know how to dye hair. But that's it. (Well, I watch Rupaul's Drag Race and Top Model...but I think that is the most stereotypically gay thing I do.) However, I think for the most part I am a pretty masculine gay guy. Add to that my pretty low-key, easy-going nature and I really feel out of place.

Yet, I feel pressure to live up to gay stereotypes, from the gay world, from straight people who don't know I'm gay until I meet them, from my own brain questioning if I will ever find someone if I am acting straight enough that people don't know I'm gay. I mean that half-jokingly and half-seriously. I realize that I am not the kind of guy that can talk about football, or fixes cars, or doesn't care about body odor. I am not that straight, but I am also not that gay. I seriously envy the uber-gay guys out there. People know they are gay. The few gay guys in Marshfield know they exist. While I feel like most people assume I'm straight until I talking about licking a guy's beard. (Actual quote from me last week: "I want to lick his beard.")

I don't want to fake tan. But I think it would help people realize I'm gay. I don't want to fret over how every individual hair is placed, and where I should be getting highlights. But it would definitely let people know I'm gay. I would prefer not fussing over every article of clothing. But perhaps if I looked more polished people would realize that I'm gay.

I realize I am talking a lot about appearances. And that's because let's be honest, appearance is a big deal in gay world. And I abhor that. If I was huskier and hairier I would try the bear scene simply because it is less rigid when it comes to appearance and tends towards the more masculine. Plus, they appreciate beards and I like that. (A gay friend called me an "otter" a few weeks ago, which is like a skinny bear, and I'm still deciding how I feel about that.)

Masculinity is also an issue. One important concept The Butch Factor commented on was how straight men don't worry too much about their sense of masculinity. However, the non-traditional nature of being a gay man requires you to develop that sense of what it means to be a man. Some gay men are pretty far over on the scale of feminity. And that's fine. It works for them. But I think I am much more masculine than I am feminine. (I also tend to prefer guys in my same realm of masculinity.) Hence, even gay guys not having their gaydar catching on to me. So part of me feels like I need to play up my handful of feminine characteristics, just so people see that my name is Grant and I like men.

Obviously, I shouldn't try to change who I am to fit in. That would be no better than me trying to pretend I was straight so I fit into straight world. But how do I find a place in gay world where I feel like I am okay being who I am? And is it okay that the few gay folks in these parts don't even see that I am here among them. To that the answer is that I probably don't tend to be interested by the uber-gay myself, so there is nothing romantic being missed by that.

Stay tuned, folks. Anyways, I think it is an interesting concept to ponder. I guess I am also a bit naive about the gay world too, and how I probably do have a place in it...I just need to figure out what it is.